Doors

Image of a doorway from the dark into the light

Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash

Content Warning: Suicide and Grief

Watching Y&R tonight
Standing on a ledge
Chelsea kisses Billy on the cheek
tells him he's a good guy
says "Tell Connor I slipped"
she jumps
the screen goes black

That moment
the moment of choice
when one door closes
another opens
when what could have been
becomes dust in time
what becomes
is a new chapter
of loss and regret
or a chapter of joy
you choose

For me
it's that moment again
Jason stood at the door
ready to leave for the day
I could feel the pull
I did nothing
I DID NOTHING!
He said goodbye
walked out the door
I never saw him alive again

That moment haunts me
I suspect it always will
the moment at the door
forever sealed in my mind
the moment
I could have made a difference
slipped away
in its place
death

Could I have made a difference?
My sanity says no
he'd made a choice
but just maybe
it's the maybe that niggles
at the edge of my mind
it's the maybe I thought of
as the screen went black

Choices.
There are always choices.
Now I  live my life
or really half a life
I can't quite get my footing
to be something more
I push and push myself
paying penance
for my neglect
for not thinking in time
for not facing the discomfort

So I work harder
if I move steadily enough
fast enough
the memories won't catch up
won't threaten
this little bit of peace
I've etched for myself

Samhain
Letting go of the old
to move into the new
What would it take for me
to let go of the moment?
To forgive myself?
To remember
but not regret
I'm ready
So long October

I've watched The Young and the Restless since I was a teenager. I've seen them address serious issues and do crazy things. After all, it's a soap opera. I will say this is the most realistic scene I've seen on this show. When it was over, I had to write, I had to get it out of my body. The poetry above is what came.

Yes, I still wonder, in my darkest moments, if there was something I could have done. My logical mind knows better - knows that moment could have been different but it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

Life gets better in bits and bits. I remember him with love now instead of devastating grief. But there are moments. And, this was one of them.

If you know someone who is suffering or if suicidal thoughts are challenging you, I beg you to get help. Suicide saves you from the pain but it multiplies it in ways you'll never know. There's a new suicide hotline number - 988. Call it now. Walk through a new doorway.

Much love,
Victoria

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