Growth

There are times when growth is right at the surface. Our resistance to seeing the truth can create incredible stress and pain if we allow it. What follows is a series of poems I wrote in one such moment.

Once again
I try speaking my mind
and you turn it around, back on me
Yes, I made my own choices today
but for you to deny any intent
at putting me in an awkward position
is to deny we have any relationship
I know that once again
I will take the poison
swallow it into my belly
and transmute it into love
I will take a deep breath and on the morrow
I will profess my love to you again
But how many times
can I swallow this poison into my belly
with no consequence
I've been trying so hard
to move through these feelings
inside of my head
The darkness that blocks out
all intimate connection
But part of intimacy is communication
and if I don't feel
like I can communicate with you
then were is intimacy to be born from

Red
blood red
lipstick red
red, color of passion
How close to lipstick red
is blood red
how deep is the passion
deep enough to cut like a knife
exposing blood red
or hot and sexy
high heel stilettos
lipstick red
blood red
red

These days
my best friend lives
at the bottom of a bottle
Cider, beer, hard liquor
doesn't matter
anything to calm
the stream of pain
in my mind
The feelings are deep and raw
and alway at the surface
This journey is no friend's journey
It is the journey of the soul
into the deep darkness
I try to reach up for air,
for light
I catch a glimpse
and then
its a deep dive
down under
under the deep ocean
of emotion
drowning
in a bottle

Resolution...
A while later,
my mate showed up
to sit beside me
and we had that conversation,
the one we both needed to have.
I started out feeling betrayed
by his actions of the day.
He felt offended by my betrayal.
He would never knowingly
do anything to hurt me.
He is my greatest supporter.
The truth is I live my life
waiting for permission.
In my mind's reasoning,
it's consideration of the other.
But in truth,
I want,
I need
someone to tell me its okay.
What I want is okay.
What I don't want is okay.
I need permission.
But, as my loving mate pointed out,
I don't need permission to say,
I love you
but I need to do something different right now.
It was a circle with no end,
a snake eating its own tail,
no beginning and no ending
to the emotions
so long as I was willing
to stay
in a position
of powerlessness.

Photo credit: Jason Williard