I was sexually abused as a small child. I've done years of therapy and would prefer to be done with the whole thing. But, what sexual abuse leaves behind is never really done. It leaves scars on a life. It has left a hint of darkness in mine. It hangs at the edges of my days and shades my world. For the most part, I've learned to ignore it and focus on the good in my life.
There are times when growth is right at the surface. Our resistance to seeing the truth can create incredible stress and pain if we allow it. What follows is a series of poems I wrote in one such moment.
initiations
stories told about my conception
lies and deception
a light hidden
a false foundation
mommy goes to school
no daddy to fill the gaps
too many goodbyes and tear streaked cheeks
grandma and grandpa left holding hands
body violated
too young to understand
boundaries ruptured
innocence stolen
finally an adult
family members' attempted suicides
bring fear of loss
inadequacies revealed
powerless to change
Dear Mom,
I want you to know
I don't blame you for the dark
things that happened to me
when I was a child.
I don't have any anger towards you.
I have long since accepted
you did the best you knew how at the time.
And, I truly believe
you left not only for your own sanity
but for my safety as well.
I believe some subconscious part of you knew
he was no good for either one of us.
I have come to this place in my life of acceptance
Acceptance of what really happened
And, acceptance of the scars left behind.
I stand at the edge of the abyss.
But it's really only darkness.
If only I could shine a light on this dark,
I might be able to see what's there.
It's the noise in the night that terrified me as a child.
It's the memories I couldn't quite grasp as an adult
That constricted my throat and made it impossible to breath.
It's the things of childhood I couldn't speak of,
The darkness that split my being into pieces.
Some part stayed and she's still lost in the darkness.
The rest turned the other way and moved on.
I want to see my way clearly
I want to jump with joy for the knowing
I want to change the world for the better
I want to know, and do, and be joyous
I want to feel a thrill when I see that glimmer in your eyes
I want to revel in your attentions
I want to feel and act freely with no reservations
I want to know, and do, and be ecstatic
I want to be a part, smack dab in the middle
I want to feel the touch of each heart
I want to see the excitement in all eyes
I want to know, and do, and be connected
I read a quote by Anne Lamott today.
It said, “If something inside of you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you’re a writer you have a moral obligation to do this.”