she feels the wholeness of all things
she knows the pure joy of surrender
abused from the start
cared for on occasion
she continues on
she yearns for the lithe state
flexibility, movement, freedom
she feels things
she is the connection
to all that is
This holy body
holds the memories
of all that has passed
she's ready to release
surrender to the ecstasy and delight
feet grounded in the deep earth
arms spread in invitation
showers raining down
washing her clean
removing all the dross

She stands
ready for this life
prepared 
from the beginning
strong, vital, alive
deep wisdom
reflected in her eyes
an old soul 
one who tends the fire
of loving, of life
the fire of change
the hearth fire
her playful spirit
twinkling eyes
and infectious smile
drawing others to her
dancing and singing
swirling in delight
digging in the earth
bringing nourishment
for body and soul

Right now
it's a desire to follow a trail
this tiny ribbon 
teasing its way through my brain
leaving breadcrumbs 
along a foreign path
my dreams are changing
how I feel is changing
it seems there is a treasure hunt afoot
except I haven't received the list yet
I'm a horse chomping at the bit
waiting at the starting gate
ready to run my heart out
instead, I wait
I'd like to say patiently
but there's an angst to it
the not knowing
it's starting that thing in my stomach
the one that binds it up in a knot

What is holding me back?
Me
I am holding me back
believing the voices in my head
the nonsensical things they teach
I'm not enough
people don't like me
there's something
inherently flawed about me
people look at me and point
and laugh and know
know what, you ask
you know
i'm that one 
the one who runs away
when the going gets tough
i'm that one
the one who dresses weird
and has crazy hair
and that damned wolf's tail
swaying under my dress
i'm different
different isn't good

Healing
layers upon layers
rising above the waters
falling back down
spinning in circles
always motion
sometimes swimming backwards
on occasion peaking
above the clouds
Healing
it's a journey
a choice to move forward
a letting go
a picking up
turning over and over
chewing on it for a while
finding its true flavor
then sending it off 
in a wisp of smoke
Healing
it's never ending
our human condition
found
only in a moment
of absolute surrender
the jewel of clarity

If I look into your eyes
you might see the truth
the truth about who I am
about where I've been
what I've created
If I look into your eyes
you would see a woman
tired, beaten by life
holding on 
for what, she's not sure
If I look into your eyes
tears would erupt
the tears of pain and grief
of lost opportunities
of failed attempts
If I look into your eyes
and still saw love
the tears would flow
in unending rivers
washing the debris away
If I look into your eyes
and you saw beauty

I recently had a vision in that space between awake and asleep. It was raining outside, the first rain of the season and I wasn't sleeping. I imagined I was a drop of rain running down the window, dripping onto the ground, sinking into the earth and filtering ever downward across the hilly landscape until I arrived at the stream. 

Holy is snuggling into my husband's back as he stirs something on the stove.
Holy is looking into the eyes of Cheyenne, our miniature dachshund. Pure love and adoration shining back.
Holy is holding my mom's hand. It's soft and warm as she talks about dying and her desires. She's letting go. I'm holding on. Her hand, so warm.
Holy is standing on the deck and having a hawk flying circles above, break out and dive directly towards me as it lets out its cry.
Holy is the early morning light, wiping out the darkness, foreshadowing the rising of the sun.

Dear Chocolate,
Oh how I love thee,
dear chocolate.
However,
it seems
you don't love me
as much as I love you.

It rained last night.
The ground is muddy and the grass squishes in places
but he world has been washed clean once again.
Thousands of diamonds hang from the Willow tree
reflecting the morning sunlight.