Agreements with the self
too many made
not enough kept
leaves one distrustful
backed into a corner

Photo by Hanson Lu on Unsplash

What if none of it is real. What if the world is a holographic projection of the collection of our minds. We are pretty attached to these bodies and our stuff. But what if none of it is real.

What if we are mighty and playful and can be, do and have anything we want. What if global warming isn't real. Not as in, "they" are making it up. But as in we created it by our beliefs. 

Photo by Chris Ensey on Unsplash

Healing looks like
making connections
between the past and
current behavior

Healing looks like
discovering
I'm a people pleaser 
and how pervasive that is

Healing looks like
finding I don't take compliments well
and learning to say thank you
and mean it
take it all in
breathe deep into the discomfort
and say, "yes," I can accept that

A poem on the current state of the Earth...

The pain of seeing a failing earth
humankind in a constant march to destruction

It hurts my heart, so much anger, and division,
so much ripping apart, taking and never giving

I feel this sense of sitting at the edge
a sad song plays as the world goes up in ashes

I don’t believe the earth will go
We will go
We will perish, be the ones who become extinct

The earth will heal
It may take millennia but it will rise
beautiful and strong once again

Some nights run on forever, fire pulsing. The mind tries to swallow us whole. Last night was one of those nights. Below are the bits of poetry running me round and round. Note, I am not a danger to myself. Suicide is not an option. I saw and felt it with my son. I won't repeat the pattern. So, I journey through the pain of loss and love and trying to find my place in the world.

Alone again
like always
forever
never quite connecting
can't get comfortable
feel like the misfit
the square that doesn't fit
with the circles
or is it the other way around

My dear love
Life is short
and the value is in the loving
Cherish every moment
how much love can you see right here and now
Live a life you can feel good about
one where you know you made a difference
where you gave your best
When you look back
it will be the overall essence
not the doing and tasking that remains
As you age
grief will become your constant companion
like an old pair of shoes
the ones you loved in the beginning
wore everywhere
but now don't quite fit right
but you can't let go
Life shifts and changes

I feel suspended in time. I am dealing with my Mom’s estate and I continue to take stock of her life. She told me in the year before her death she was a social misfit; she had no social grace. Funny thing is that is what I noticed my whole life. My mom was loud and boisterous. She laughed, loud, at jokes. She went about her life doing what she did, insisting others help her on her time, being the center of her own life. As a child, I found it embarrassing. 

Home
in my husband's arms
curled against his back
holding his hand
my anchor 
Home
curled up on the sofa
wrapped in a warm blanket 
glass of wine nearby
Home
time with my daughter
laughing and sharing our lives
the connection
that spans the miles
Home
door closed
my personal space
sinking into my deepest self
allowing words to flow
Home
used to be talking with my mom
plotting garden ideas
or discussing family and life
that piece is fluttering
in the wind
unattached

Living questions
they are like 
agreeing to disagree
those questions
with no answers
you decide to let lie
Why?
Why did he do it?
How?
How did we get there?
Could I have anything differently?
Which thing?
Why did they hate me so much
as to want to destroy my career?
Where did this stone originate?
Why do I feel unworthy,
at times?
How do I heal this pain
in my heart and soul?
What is the secret
to a life well lived?
How do I impart my knowing
into someone else's mind?

Some days I love the idea of escape. Just run off and leave all the complicated stuff behind. Don't look back and keep on moving. I tried taking off for a day a couple times, years ago. I found when I got to the beach, I couldn't sit still. It didn't solve any of the problems I was trying to run away from. I quit trying to escape.